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Wouldn’t it be great if Tiger Woods didn’t have a filter? What if the Cablinasian philanderer could speak freely without losing any endorsement deals? Woods held a press conference Monday where he apologized some more and expressed his enthusiasm about The Masters. Blah, blah, blah. Here’s what we think he really wanted to say:

1. The New York Post printed the salacious text messages between Tiger and sidepiece, Jamie Grubbs.

Tiger’s response: “Blame it on the alcohol.”

2. The seventh chick linked to Tiger was a porn star. The Tiger went wild, indeed.

Tiger’s response: “I’m gonna take the liberty of quoting a great American poet here, Snoop Dogg: ‘I don’t love them hoes.’”

3. In December 2009, Tiger said he was taking in indefinite leave from golf.

Tiger’s response: “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

Read the rest of the list.