The Dos and Don’ts of Instagram Thirst

“Obey your thirst.”

In the age of social media like Instagram the old Sprite slogan applies to more than citrus-flavored soda — it could be the mantra millions of users who use the platform to lust and be lusted after. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se, but how men and women go about flirting or fishing likes on Instagram is what we’re concerned with. It’s the difference between classy or trashy; demure or desperate for attention. There are rules for this sh-t so Giantlife wrote you a manual. 

First let’s holler at the fellas:

Guys, we see you. We know what you’re doing. You’re hoping to parlay those “likes,” flirtatious comments and cutesy Emojis into a sexual encounter. Even if the object of your Instagram affection lives in a different state or country or is some type of celebrity, you’re holding on to the snowball’s chance in hell that maybe, just maybe, if you flirt just the right way, you’ll be able to bed her. Right. We’re not here to burst your bubble or crush your dreams of crushing an Instagram chick, we just want you to go about your quixotic quest with some class.

Do comment with a happy Emoji or an emoticon

We don’t know what it is about them, but chicks ♥ emoticons and Emojis. Keep it simple though a “hand clap,” “thumbs up,” or a non-red or pink heart Emoji is fine. (Red and pink mean love — you know you don’t love her!) Kissy faces, or the Emoji of the couple making kissy faces at one another are completely UNACCEPTABLE, if you don’t know her like that.

Don’t offer to perform a sex act in your comment

Yes, we know that sexy pic she posted has you all hot ‘n’ bothered while you’re on the toilet scrolling through pictures, but chill. Think about it. Your offer to perform cunnilingus or toss her salad might seem harmless to you but it will make most women who see your comment assume that you’re a ravenous horn dog whose Bang Bros. subscription just expired. Hit the “Like” button and leave it at that.

Do tell her you find her attractive … subtly.

Everyone loves compliments — especially the scantily clad young lady who posted her pic for your consumption. Comments like “nice” or “beautiful” are fine and though they speak to your true intentions there’s just enough ambiguity there to disguise  your true pervy intentions.

Don’t pledge your undying love to her.

Where some guys take the blatant or or vulgar approach to scheming on Instagram girls some guys take the simp approach hoping to appeal to a fragile emotional state, because who isn’t looking for love, right? Wrong. This smacks of desperation and loser-ness. Also people watch MTV’s “Catfish” now so the likelihood that your comment will lead to a love connection are even slimmer than they were before.

Don’t propose to her on Instagram

Refer to the previous “don’t” about simping. We get that you’re just kidding but this level of thirst is just embarrassing to all parties involved also disrespectful to the mother of your children who has been waiting for you to put a ring on it for years. Tsk, tsk.

Don’t “Like” or comment on pictures of her new nail job

That’s just shameless dirty mackin’. You know you don’t care a bout that sh-t. Minx and french tips be damned.

Don’t leave your phone number in your comment

On second thought do this. We want to prank call you.

Women we didn’t forget about you either:

Keep reading to get the Dos and Don’ts of Instagram thirst, Ladies Edition

Ladies love attention even more than they love Cool J. For some attention-starved women the seemingly innocent Instagram selfie doesn’t just scream, “Hey, look what I’m doing!” or “Hey look what I’m wearing!” it also whispers “Please tell me I’m pretty. I could use the validation.” Note that we’re not saying that ALL women are guilty of this — just some of y’all. You know, the ones with the salacious boob-and-booty shots and hordes of thirsty followers. There’s nothing wrong with being attractive and on Instagram — in fact we’re very appreciative of your beauty — but some of y’all are going a little too hard for those “Like” hearts. Be a lady on Instagram and not a tramp. We’ll show you how.

Do smile

We love your smile. It makes you look friendly and inviting which is enticing. If you have a snaggle tooth or braces, a toothless Mona Lisa style grin will suffice.

Don’t do a “duck face”

You think it’s how you look when you kiss so it’s cute. Guys think you look like a waterfowl with a mouth full of Sour Patch Kids. Also LOLz at Relly’s comment.

Do post fitness pics

It’s hard work being hot. You’re in the gym getting it right and tight for a reason, so why not post tasteful pics of of your hot bod on your Instagram? Guys appreciate a woman who is invested in her health.

Don’t post skanky fitness pics

No disrespect, ma’am, but that photo of you in the gym doing a split on the treadmill like that’s what treadmills are for? Uh, yeah. No. You’re just asking for dudes to go into detail about how they’d put that flexibility to good use.

Do yoga poses

The tasteful alternative to the #gymflow pic that packs a even more powerful thirst-activating punch. It shows guys that you’re not only fit, but that you’re disciplined and flexible. Searching the #yoga is probably how Russell Simmons finds new young women to date on IG.

Don’t pretend the pic isn’t about your butt/boobs when we all know it is.

The “call attention to something in the photo other than my prominently featured butt and/or boobs” trick is the oldest one in the book. Rihanna can get away this (nice boots!), Kim Kardashian cannot.

Do leave something to the imagination

It’s true, guys are visual animals and they like flesh, but even more than that they like a little mystery. It gives them something to aspire to and fantasize about. That’s why giving us a peek at your goodies is often more effective than completely having your ass out on public display. A classy form-fitting dress? Yes. Some cleavage? Yes. Pasties on your nipples and nothing else?. Nah. Wanna model your new thong? Save it for a special someone on Snapchat.

Don’t repeat selfie poses

Everybody has a “good side,” we get that but please, ladies, switch it up sometimes.

With all that said and done, we hope you feel better armed for bringing the thirst on Instagram. If we missed any essential wisdom, let us know in the comments or on Facebook.

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