I blame Britney Spears. Her new song “3” came on the radio, and I had to blurt out to my boyfriend – almost too excitedly – that the lyrics were about having a threesome. And so, after his fear-inducing stare, the incessant questioning began: “Well, what about you? Have you ever?” And as we all know, no matter the answer, your partner has already made up a scenario in their mind that no amount of denials (or in some cases, admissions) can change. So, how much is “too much” when it comes to sharing your sexual past with your current partner?
Reasons NOT To Share:
1. We’re not in high school anymore. Telling anything more than your “number” – like counter-top, car ride, and closet escapades – will just come across as bragging. Besides, one too many of those “This one time, at band camp…” stories may scare the future love of your life away. Not everyone likes the naughty.
2. Once you reveal, you can’t retract. You think that disclosing your darkest, dirtiest secrets will bring the two of you closer together, but what it really does is create bouts of jealousy and passive-aggressiveness. Those moments that your man seems to be distant and slightly unaffectionate, he’s not tired…he’s thinking of who hit it before he did. And if they were better.
3. You can’t change the past. Even Adult Simba from The Lion King said that. What good is talking endlessly and elaborately into all hours of the night, without ever coming to a compromise or conclusion, about what once happened? Unless it involved cheating or some sort of overlap in an undefined relationship, let it go.
Reasons TO Share:
1. Safety, folks. Men: think like a squirrel, and protect your nuts. Women: think like the cat-lady next door, and protect your, well, you know. Unprotected activity should always be a concern. Knowing how often, and with how many, your partner has condoned the use of a contraceptive is more on a need-to-know basis than, say, if he looked two-seconds too long at shorty across the room.
2. You get the upper hand. Though this may be hard to admit while first hearing your man describe exactly which of exes did what where, in the long run, you end up uncovering what he really likes and what he absolutely hates. So, listen carefully, take notes, and gain insight on how to please him better.
3. Weather the storm. What self-respecting couple really expects to stand the test of time with lies and omissions just bubbling at the surface? Everything that’s done in the dark will come to the light anyway, so you might as well be non-judgmental, a good listener, and honest once you see it getting serious. Warning: This is only for the mature and self-secure. But once achieved, it’s clear you’ve got a keeper.