Black women are kicking ass at the 2016 Olympics and saying how proud I am of them wouldn’t even begin to do their accomplishments enough justice.
That said, let’s reel it back in.
I don’t mean the celebration, that’s cool. I’m talking about that look in all of your eyes that turned a feel-good TV moment between parent and daughter into her training to beat your ass one day for making her chase a gold medal she didn’t want.
Most of you probably already think your baby girl is the next Serena Williams and will ignore everything I just said. So what I’d like to do is share with you a few tips on how to prepare your daughters for future competition in the Olympics. None of these following tips have been proven to work by or for anyone. As a matter of fact, some of these horrible suggestions might land you in jail. Just read on and if you happen to laugh, don’t feel bad. I’m the one that actually wrote it.
The first thing every champion learns is that success begins with a well-executed plan. That’s why it’s so important to research your (not her) chance at gold with a half-baked neighborhood “Olympic Games.” This so-called day of fun and exercise is only an elaborate rouse to size up the competition. By the time it’s over you will know who in the area is the biggest threat and who your daughter can beat fairly.
Training will be where you will spend most of your time. As luck would have it, it’s totally possible to streamline an effective regimen with a few hacks. Have your mini Olympians train for sprints by running to the store for your unhealthy snacks.
Not only will your daughter transform into a track and field warrior like the women who swept the 110 hurdles, she will learn discipline from not being able to eat any of your double-glazed donuts. There’s no need for a fancy workout facility with certified this and that. Certify the savings you’ll have when you use everyday objects as weights and equipment.
Have your daughter do clean and jerks like American weightlifter Jenny Arthur with the vacuum cleaner. If she’s got a younger sibling, you can have her use the youngest kid. As your youngest gets bigger, your daughter gets stronger. Meanwhile, you’re saving stacks that will come in handy when all of your kids’ therapy bills come due.
Olympic champions like Simone Manuel and Simone Biles don’t get where they are by hard work and determination alone.
There is an extra spark that energizes them to that level. I believe Black guilt is perfect in this case. Hardcore, Eyes on the Prize documentary flavored Black guilt. Remind them every day that had it not been for [Black person hit with a brick for wanting to use the white people pool] they wouldn’t be able to drink a glass of water much less compete in swimming. If that doesn’t work, show them Roots and say, ‘Now imagine all that in a swimming pool. Make it happen.’
Every time the Olympics rolls around, like clockwork, the social media haters club make a big deal about a Black woman’s hair. Here’s how to make this work in your child’s favor. Get ahead of the curve by setting up sponsorship opportunities with people who make that pink hair stuff or Dark and Lovely.
Have them pay your baby girl to do a before and after photo. Get her an appearance at a Bronner Brothers event and charge people for autographs. Hell, put her on a box of relaxer instead of the Wheaties box. Either way, you’re going to deal with these pseudo keyboard comedians eventually; so get paid for it.
Following these preparation tips and get ready to cheer your child from the audience in those #TeamWhoever t-shirts. Just make sure, along with your child’s or family name, you have room for the sponsors you’ll add onto the shirts…for a small fee, of course.