Email your questions to Your Gay Best Friend at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I recently got out of a two year relationship because the distance was causing a big problem (I’m in the Air Force and stationed away from home), along with the fact that I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused by my ex. Things got so bad between us I had two miscarriages and tried to take my life from an overdose. I was in the hospital for two weeks. I know that was stupid now that I look back on it so no need to say it, even though I know you will.
I’ve met a couple of men after this bad relationship and things were going smooth, but I found myself pushing them away when things were going good because I’m afraid to get hurt again. I mean I would start arguments over nothing. I guess I didn’t want to be the one to end things. I wanted the dirt on their hands. Hell, I can’t even bring myself to save a guy’s number in my phone. I feel like I’ve let my guard down if I even do that.
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I wasn’t dumb enough to jump back in a relationship after that bad one because I had to get back to loving me, and I’ve done that. I know to never let any man become the focal point of my life to where I feel like nothing without them. I’ve met someone new and things have been going good. We have been getting to know each other for about three months now and WE HAVE not slept together nor has he tried to. Now, my girls only tell me that he hasn’t tried because, “he’s getting it from somewhere else,” and “you’re only 21, why won’t you just have fun with people. Why do you want to be tied down?”
He has a lot going for him. He is in the military too and in school. He admires the things that no one else has ever noticed about me. He even says he knows I have my guard up, and I try to start arguments to push him away (I am working on stopping that, I swear!) and he says he doesn’t pay attention to me when I do that. He let’s it roll of his shoulders. I find myself doing it less and less. BUT, there’s a catch, he’s going through a divorce and has three kids. He has tried to introduce me to them but I declined. I don’t want to meet them if it’s not something serious. He always says things like, “I think you will be a good step-mom.” I know that right there should have been my sign to run for the hills, but I don’t know if I should. Yes, he is technically someone else’s, but there is something there. I need help and some advice. Is this a recipe for another heartbreak or could I be staring my future in the eye? UGH HELP ME!!!! – Is He The One
Dear Ms. Is He The One,
Chile, I swear you folks will say that after a tumultuous relationship of mental, physical, and emotional abuse that you will never go down that road again. You swear off any signs of danger when you meet new people, and you have your guard up so damn high, hell, Jesus can’t even see over the wall.
Yet, you’ve met some men after your bad relationship, but pushed them away because things were going too good and you didn’t want to get hurt again. Men who were potential mates and probably some good men, but because you think things are too good to be true, and eventually they will do something to harm you, thus, you end the relationship/courtship. However, you meet a man who has a lot going for him. He’s in the military and in school. He admires things about you that no one seemed to have noticed, and he though he knows you have your guard up he doesn’t let it affect him. That turns you on, doesn’t it? The thought of this man not being bothered by you and tantrums. SMDH!
But, lo and behold, there is a catch. He’s married, going through a divorce, and has three kids. And, you, the woman who has sworn off drama, stress, and heartache, is thinking to yourself that there is something there with this man because of what now? Please tell me what do you have in common with a married man? What do you have in common with a man who has three children?
You’re asking me if this is a recipe for another heartbreak, or could your future be staring you right in the eye. LBMAO! Yes, you’re right. Your future is staring you right in the eye. A future of more drama, stress, and heartache. WOMAN! You are repeating the same vicious cycle over again. You’re just replacing it with a married man. And, a married man with three kids at that.
Please get you some business, and leave this married man alone. He’s not for you. He’s not going to make you his wife, and the step-mother of his children. He is blowing smoke up your ass, and just like every other woman who has dated a married man who’s told them that they would leave their wives for them, IT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! He is lying to you. Every word coming out of his mouth is a lie. Don’t fall for it, believe it, or listen to it. As a matter of fact, tell him to stop calling you and to leave you alone.
There is a lot of healing you need to continue focusing on. There is a lot of mending of your heart and soul and spirit. You are a broken woman who tried to commit suicide after your last relationship. There is something unstable about that, and you need to be in counseling. You need to be speaking with a certified specialist who can get to the root of your issues and problems and address it. I want you to know that your judgment is definitely impaired, because you think dating a married man with three kids is the man for you. HELLO!!!!! Do you hear it, and yourself? UGH!
You’re in the Air Force, please seek out a counselor and talk with them about your past relationship, and how to truly heal and mend yourself. Please be open and honest and let them know that you tried to commit suicide, because that is not normal. And, know this, if you’re not healed emotionally, mentally, and physically, then it’s impossible for you to bring someone into your life who can possibly love you because you don’t love yourself. Also, find yourself a church or spiritual home where you can connect with empowered, and enlightened folks who can be a source of inspiration. You need to be reconnected to a loving source. And, your friends telling you to get out, and date, and have fun, well, it may sound good in their intentions, but right now you should not be focused on dating. Your focus should be on you and reclaiming your life. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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“He’s Married With 3 Kids, Getting Divorced & I’m Not Sure I Wanna Be With Him”" was originally published on hellobeautiful.com