Dear Gay Best Friend,
My situation is this. I’m in love with my co-worker and have been for the past year. I am a very jealous person and don’t know how to control it. When he and I first met, it was at our job. It was an immediate attraction from day one, and everyday all day we would either be on the phone or texting each other.
A couple of months go by and we ended up sleeping together. He tells me that he is married and I almost wanted to cry because I felt lied to. He constantly tells me about how unhappy he is in his marriage so I try be a good friend, and just listen. Soon after that he tells me he needed to talk and his marriage is unraveled and he wants out.
He moves out of his place and moves in with me. He has gotten a divorce since then, but first started talking about how he wanted to be with me and wanting to marry me. He would tell me this while he was married, and it puzzled me that he would still find the time to text and call me. I asked how is that possible? I mean where is your wife while you’re on the phone with me?
We haven’t been sleeping together because I’m bothered about his being so secretive. He is always texting and now my feelings have got caught up and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m so unhappy because even though we aren’t sleeping together, our friendship is going down the drain because I sometimes act like I’m the girlfriend when I’m only his friend. We have both decided that being in a relationship isn’t healthy because I don’t trust him. My trust is because while he was married he was always texting me or hanging out with me. I don’t want to damage our friendship, but I am just wondering should I just call it quits and tell him to leave because I’ve been in tears wanting to be with him, but know it would never work out.
We are both going to school full-time and work full-time. I feel as though he is starting to talk to someone else because he seems to text all the time. I even talked to him about him texting because it bothers me. All I ask is that he gives me the same respect that I give him. He is sleeping in my bed and I’m not sleeping with anyone else so I just choose to be celibate. I can’t keep living like this and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m in love and just want these feelings to go away. He tells me that I don’t have a right to ask him who he is texting because he pays his bills, and I know he is right but I wish I could find out.
I recently thought about downloading a program on his phone that will send all his text and calls to my email, but I feel like I’m way over the line. His pattern hasn’t changed with me and by that I mean he comes home at the same time and has never been late for work. Ugh! I feel so dumb. I respect all your thoughts on different situations but when you respond to me could you please not call me a bitch. I can deal with criticism but not disrespect thanks. – In Love With My Co-Worker
Dear Ms. In Love With My Co-Worker,
SMDH! So, you sleep with you co-worker, and afterward you learn that he is married, yet, you let him move in with you. While he’s married he tells you that he wants to marry you. And, BOOM! He gets a divorce and things didn’t work out between you two as you hoped, and now you two are stuck living together.
Let me ask you this – Do you think he was genuine and really wanted to be with you, or did he use you as a place to live after he got divorced because he knew he wouldn’t have any place to go?
I can’t say that I feel for you because I’ve always said, and I feel, that you should never have sex with co-workers or start office romances. They do not end well! And, on top of it all, he led you to believe something totally different than what he presented. So, yes, he did lie. He manipulated and deceived you. No, you can’t trust him. No, you shouldn’t continue in a relationship with him. If he lied to his wife, and deceived her, then what makes you think he won’t do it to you? Ahhhh, but he did! He told you after you slept together that he was married. HELLO!
Get that damn man out of your house! You don’t owe him anything. If he can’t respect you in your own home, and he is texting others and you’ve expressed to him how you don’t like it and he tells you to mind your own business, then pack his –ish and tell him that you are minding your business. It’s your home and you set forth the rules. If he don’t like them, then he can go to a shelter or get his own place and do whatever he pleases in his own home.
This man is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. He’s hurt you, lied to you and is possibly cheating. Hell, he did it to his ex-wife, why do you think he won’t do it to you? WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM! Being with you is not going to make him all of a sudden stop what he’s been doing. That’s all he knows how to do. He cheats, lies, deceive, and manipulates. You cannot make him not be who he is.
Please get a backbone and put on your big girl panties and speak up. Let him know how and what’s going to go down in YOUR HOME! If you don’t feel he is respecting of you, then put him out. If you are tired of your living situation in your home, then put him out. If you don’t want to continue down this road and live in misery, and you want to stop crying, then put him out. If you keep putting up with his behavior, and his mistreatment of you, and you have no recourse for his behavior, then keep expecting to get what you keep getting. NOTHING! It’s time to stop acting like you don’t have any say in your home. It’s time to stop being a doormat at the front door of your own home. It’s time to stand up and put your damn foot down. And, you don’t need a man like that. You’re too smart, intelligent, and worthy to be going through this bull-ish. Grow up! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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“I’m In Love With My Co-Worker, But After He Moved In He Changed” was originally published on hellobeautiful.com
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