Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been dating since I was 16 years old and have never been single. I’m 28 now. As one relationship ends I find myself in a new one, sometimes within days. I have never been married and have no kids. I have had two 5 years relationship back to back. I am currently dating a guy for the last 2 years now, on and off. Now we are currently off, he wants us to try again but I’m not happy with him. I’m only with him because I don’t want to be alone. I have a fear of being alone. Am I codependent? And if so, how do I break this cycle? – Dependant On Relationships
Dear Ms. Dependant on Relationships,
Well, it’s obvious you’ve identified the problem, now let’s get you a solution.
Codependency generally is the feeling as if you yourself are not enough, and you need someone to fulfill a void that you have within you. And, if you need something, or someone to fill the void within you, then sweetie you will never be happy. You will forever be searching to have someone step in and help you feel adequate, enough, or whole.
You will never get married or have kids because they cannot do what you ultimately need to do for yourself, and that is to love yourself. No one can love you if you don’t love yourself. And, no one can make you happy if you are not happy.
But, on another note, sweetie, your codependency makes you selfish. You are self-centered and self-focused. Any outside force or person taking the attention off of you will make you feel threatened. You are the end all and be all. It’s all about you. But, at the same time you are unhappy and miserable in your relationships because they cannot and never will be able to give you what you need or want. And, quite frankly darling, you don’t know what you need or want because you haven’t identified the root of your problem.
Nothing, or no one can make you feel worthy, enough, or whole but you. The feeling of inadequacy or having a fear of being alone is something you need to find within yourself and look into your past. And, I’m going out on a limb here to say that something happened in your past when you were 16 years old. You stated that ever since you were 16 you’ve never been single. Something happened. Something at that moment changed the dynamics and landscape of your life forever. You were left alone and/or felt abandoned, and when that moment happened you subconsciously made a vow, a commitment to yourself that you would never be alone again because you didn’t like the feeling. Thus, you’ve created this universe, this world where you won’t be alone. Therefore you are committed to not being alone. Regardless of the men who come into your life, you will choose anyone to satisfy the very desire you don’t want to have, and that is to be alone.
Now, recognize the men you’ve been in relationships with. They have not been the most desirable of men, but because you are committed to not being alone, you’ll choose any man to step in and give you a relationship just so that you won’t be alone, even at the sacrifice and well-being of yourself. You want someone to be responsible for your happiness, your joy, and to make you feel loved. That is pure stupidity, insanity, and just asinine.
So, it’s time to reflect back to that moment, that time in your life when you were 16 and identify what happened. Who left you? Who abandoned you? Or, what threat did you feel about being alone at 16? Did a parent leave? Was it someone close to you that left you?
Until you do the work your current relationship is going to end just like your previous relationships. Just as they didn’t bring you any fulfillment or happiness, then neither will he. That is why you are off right now. That is why you stated you are not happy with him. He is not the problem. He is not the solution. You are! Stop looking outside of yourself to have someone fill what’s empty inside of you.
And, to break this cycle you have to do the work. You have to find out what happened and why you don’t like being alone. And, then you have to replace that thought and feeling with something positive. Tell yourself, “I am enough. I am whole. I am complete. I am love. I am lovable. I am responsible for me.” You have to seek happiness and fulfillment with self. You have to learn how to be whole and complete because you are enough. You are complete. When you come to love yourself and know that you have nothing to fear about being alone or codependent on someone, then you will have moved into a space of self-awareness. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!