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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I was in a long distant relationship (same state, different cities) that lasted 9 months. The relationship ended suddenly just a week before I was leaving to go out of state for work; mind you that before I left we discussed everything and he reassured me that we would be fine.
While I was gone out of state and heartbroken, he texted me every week saying how he still loves me, misses me, and wants to get back together. When I returned, we eventually started talking and kicking it like old times, but this go round we had no titles. When I asked his reasoning for breaking up with me, he said he couldn’t handle me leaving and admitted he was insecure. Well, next thing I know he goes M.I.A. (Missing In Action), so I fall back and we don’t talk for a couple months. I texted him one day, (yes I did), and then we started talking and he informs me he has a BABY?!?! Of course he says it wasn’t during our relationship (It was while I was out of state. The months add up right), and he only had sex with the chick once, blah blah blah. I let it go like, ‘whatever, as long as it’s no baby momma drama.’
Now, we have been kicking it and doing things like we used to (spending time together, gifts, visits, etc) for about 7 months now. We both agreed that we don’t want to get in a relationship because of our distance, so now he has proposed for us to move-in and live together. I would get back in a relationship with him, but I don’t want anymore M.I.A.’s, or surprises and I’m a little scared.
This has been going on for two and half years now. Gay Best Friend should I continue Jones-ing or move on and let it go? – Distant Lover
Dear Ms. Distant Lover,
There is a sign on your forehead and it says, “Hi! My name is Boo Boo The Fool.”
Girl, you can’t be serious. Are you telling me that you really are considering entertaining the thought of moving in with this guy? You certainly have fallen and bumped your big ass head.
When someone tells me they are insecure of me and my job, that is a clear sign that YOU ARE NOT THE MAN FOR ME! Why is he insecure of you leaving and doing your job? An insecure man is insecure in all his ways. And, he has proven that to you when you went out of state and he got another woman pregnant. But, hold up, Ms. Fried-Green-Tomato-Brain, he goes M.I.A. for several months,(What the hell?!?), and YOU initiate contact with him, via text (What the hell is up with all this damn texting and textual relationships you all have? Pick up the damn phone can call!), but I digress. Yet, he informs you he has a baby. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. Girl, you are stupefied for real. This man gets a woman pregnant after he had sex with her one time, doesn’t tell you about it, disappears, and you jump back into a relationship with him? Girl, Buh-Bye! You can play the naïve third grade girl all you want, but I doubt that his baby momma wasn’t always in the picture. She’s probably his girl, or like you, he goes back and forth between you two. Remember, you live in different cities. What makes you think you’re the only girl he has? What makes you think he doesn’t have two, three, of four other girls? (Excuse me for a minute. I’m going to get me a sandwich while you ponder over that.)
Now, you and he are back to doing what you were doing before, but this time you’re playing boyfriend and girlfriend, and not defining your relationship, and he wants you to move-in and live together. I can’t stop laughing. LAWD! This is hysterical. Ms. Honey, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you twice. TWICE! Who he is. He isn’t faithful, disappears for periods of time, and you initiate contact, via text (I still don’t understand that one), and you keep falling for the ole okey-doke. Oh, now, I get it. You are the chick who most men go to because you’re the one with the steady job, no kids, no other men, and when they need something guess how drops everything and runs to the rescue? YOU!
Honey, he is using you like an old used condom. Some men flush it in the toilet, some put it in the trash, and others just toss it on the floor. What I’m saying, because I know it went over your head, is that when he’s done with you he discards you as if you never existed. But, when it’s time to use you, you’re in his back pocket waiting to be stuffed, filled, and tossed.
And, you say you don’t want any baby momma drama. Uhm, good luck with that. He and his baby momma (I say girlfriend), will forever be in each other’s lives and there is nothing you can do about it.
Look, Ms. Distant Lover, if you want to move in with him, then you need to set some boundaries. It’s obvious you don’t have any because he comes and goes as he pleases. And, this “arrangement” you two have, Chile, you’re willing to go along just so you can say you got a man. Miss me and your exit. Look, the other woman will always be in your lives, especially if you move in together. Oh, trust me. You haven’t seen her yet, but once she catches wind that he’s moved in with another woman, she will be showing up with the baby in her arms, banging on your door, demanding that your man be more proactive in their child’s life. And, the phone calls won’t stop because the baby will always need something. I suggest you strongly, and I mean strongly, write out the pros and cons of this arrangement you are considering getting yourself in. This is actually an assignment exercise that I have in my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. I do urge you to get your copy TODAY! Don’t hesitate. Go get it, or order it online. But, I want you to consider these questions: Who is this arrangement going to benefit? Will you split the bills and how? Where are you two moving to, the city he is in, or the city you are in? What is going to happen when you leave to go out of state for work, again? Do you trust him? Can you depend on him? Does he pay his bills on time? And, what about when his child is visiting him for the weekend, are you ready to play surrogate mommy? Girl, you have a lot to consider, and I just want you to look at the situation from an intelligent perspective, as opposed to listening to your loins. And, as I know best, I think its best you move on and let it go. And, if you decide to stay, don’t you send me another letter asking me why every time you go out of town your man disappears, and he got yet another woman pregnant. DIVA, you already know better, now it’s time for you to do better. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!